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If you think this is an entry to promote Discovery: Travel and Living. Well, you're wrong. This blog is exclusively about my passion for music (MUSIC), my life and my thoughts (SOUL) and my environment (well, you can consider that CITY). Just as the title suggests, today's entry is more about my discovery of myself and how i live my own life. And yes, this will be another long entry. I kind of like long columns like this, makes me feel as if i'm some lifestyle magazine writer who always has interesting bits and intriguing perspectives of life to share with readers. Of course, my life is less than interesting and far less intriguing - i try to avoid complexities in life. (maybe you can call it "taking the easy way out" but well, life is hard, so why make it harder?)Sunday, August 3, 2008 This entry comes about with my "chance" meeting with Gabby and Bel just this friday night. As mentioned previously, the three of us finally met together after what seems many years. "Chance" because it was incredulously difficult to get the three of us together, and being able to afford New York New York (tsk: Gabby). Well, during the meeting, Bel, who i've actually met briefly at our class outing two weeks earlier, commented something intriguing about me. Other than the fact that she said i was "guarded" (which she also refuses to elaborate on despite my probing), she did say something positive. She mentioned that i was more cheerful than before. When i/she meant "BEFORE", it refers to both secondary and college years. Actually both Gabby and Bel are two friends that saw me through what most would consider the most important phases of adolescence, the most crucial growing-up years. Gabby was my closest friend back in secondary school from upper secondary, having met through a now-second degree friend while Bel was my classmate from secondary 3 to college - one i would consider "the longest classmate in my conscious years" (leave it up to you to define "conscious". And that's a good thing, Bel). So i believe it was quite a good and humbling to know that i had somehow changed for the better since those days without losing the sense of myself. Upon deep reflection, i believe i really have become more cheerful nowadays. But then again, i wouldn't say it's because i've changed but more like the environment has improved which brought about a positive change in me. No offence to my classmates or any schoolmates reading this (i never know who reads my blog anymore haha), i never really felt i could be what i wanted to be when i was in secondary school or college. Stereotypes aside, i was generally with classmates or schoolmates i did not feel fully comfortable with. Maybe there were one or two i was comfortable with but still that's very very pathetic. There was hardly "friends" that shared the same ideas and maybe similar likings as me. Or even if we had different interests, there were hardly anyone that showed any form of "embrace" to my different preferences. Maybe it was stereotype playing it's evil game but to put it simply, we just didn't click. That's why i don't feel apologetic about not having a lot of friends that i still keep in contact till today - as long as i'm still on good terms with those i feel good with, the rest can well, rest safely in my hi-bye accquaintance list. What i feel regretful about would be situations where i had a hand in making a difference but made the wrong choice. Like how i didn't go find any like-minded friend if they were hardly any in class or interest group. Or like how i chose my interest group in college. It was not me making it, but the pragmatic, results-crazy joel that was blinded by all the needs to succeed in college. What interest do i have in Current Affairs? Hardly any! - and that's on the expense that i'm reading Life!/8days on the latest CELEBRITY GOSSIPS haha. I could have joined well, other more interactive clubs that expanded my social circle and whatever that could be improved. But i didn't. But i don't want to dwell on that as well since those days are far from gone and there's no point grumbling about it anymore since i don't have the power to turn back time. And i probably won't - cause things would be different (and i would think differently - i could be that bastard you hate!) and i kinda like things they are NOW (but if it's slightly better, that would be best haha). Now that i'm out of school, i realise that even if i might not get the chance to choose who i have to be with (as in those who'll always be around you - cause of work, study, or maybe because they stay beside you) i have a choice as to who i want to hang around with. I have the freedom to befriend who i want and hopefully that someone enjoys my company as a friend. It's liberating to know that i don't need to feel suppressed with having to stick with people i not exactly feel at ease with because there were a lack of choices for me (it's either with them or alone. SAD i know haha). Now, if i don't click with the person, i'll just talk less to him/her (or don't talk at all), no grudges and no ill intentions whatsoever. I remember something very right that Oprah Winfrey once said, within the lines of "Surround yourself with positive people or people that make you positive". And that's the approach for me from now on. I meet friends i want to meet, talk to those i want to talk to and basically be with friends who i want to be with - those that make me feel happy, make me feel i can be funny and lame and bitchy, those that would listen to me complain as much as they want to complain to me. Those i see myself still being with for at least my next half of my life. I do admit, as previously palm-read by my father's worker, that i have a knack for making short-lived friendships. As he described it, it was like "only half a cup of water" - one sip and it's gone. That's why it's more necessary to choose the right friends to be with. There were times before when there was hardly anyone i could tell my problems to - you know... people around you were not "close enough" to know, while the closer ones were too pre-occupied that you didn't want to bother them - and had to suck it in and brave through it myself. I think things have turned for the better now that time is completely in my own hands and i control what exactly i do. Not that i didn't have the choice back then but the only choice i gave myself back then was study and more study (and music) and i blurred and put everything else on hold - not a good idea totally. I still find myself being a bit self-conscious when i mention my "mugger" days to people because it is something people can't envision and something people won't approve of since it is so stupid. Like i think people will associate you to it somehow someway after you told them about your "ugly" past. And especially to people who hardly know me and having to read such things about me can give them preconceived notions about me that are uncalled for. But well, as i said, it's the past and should remain the past. Hopefully it doesn't affect my future (at least with those who still dont know me) but if for whatever reason it does, then so be it ( it's out of my hands). But i'm glad at this point of time (yes, at print time) things are fine. I'm closer to my all-along close friends and have made remained in contact with all good friends i've made thus far. And it makes me feel glad when i know some of them think the same way as i do - it's a mutual thing btw. That's why i'm more cheerful. Not cheerful always (as in, character) but more cheerful. For how long, i don't know but may it lasts as long as it can (and under my own hands). There are things in life like happiness and friendship that you never want to jinx it by saying something you're not sure will happen or something you're not sure will continue happening. That's why it's all under a relative term, based on a circumstantial basis that i consider that this is happening right now. Things change, most things intangible are ephermal. That's why i don't want to define things too naively if not i'll end up feeling upset if it doesn't work out the way i thought would. As i've said, it's situational. C happened only because A and B was present. Therefore i won't be sad if C didn't happen because D and E didn't give the same effect. If you understand. Well, i can only say life works in a very unexpected way. There are many things i hope will happen but i'm keeping myself prepared if they don't. At least i can tell myself, well, it was just my expectation and disillusion on my part. A little sad but not that sad either haha. Other than that, i pray (well, not exactly "pray" pray - i just don't want to use the word "hope" cause it gives me false expectations) everyday that "the good always remain and the best never fade". May it happen to you as well. music.city.soul || 5:09 PM || 0 comments |
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